So I figure being sick is maybe a good enough reason to slack off on one’s blog for a day or so, but much longer than that, and all my hundreds of loyal readers might start going into depressive withdrawal. Now I wouldn’t want that to happen, especiallly since any suicides would deplete my fan base. So I now present to you: Wadded-Up Kleenex!
The consideration you show amidst your affliction has spared many lives from despair, and is duly appreciated. In return, I shall present you with this (not completely useful) advice: colds and chickens conjoined are a bit more annoying than either colds without chickens or chickens without colds, and are to be avoided at all moderate inconvenience.
Aha! So this explains the whole panic about bird flu!
A tempting theory, but one which proves, as temptations are wont to be, somewhat false. The confusion lies in the fact that flew is sometimes spelled flu (sort of like drive thru): people are afraid that the bird flew. The flight of what bird would cause so much terror, you might ask?
I wish I knew.
Whatever you do, don’t panic. Though… it might not be imprudent to stay away from any birds that are… well… flying.
I put forth that the flying avian which holds humanity in a blanket of smothering fear is nothing but a manifestation of cruel irony itself. For who but man, I ask, would be so unheeding of the natural balance of things as to destroy one of the few species of bird that could not fly and therefore could not possibly produce this terror?
Yes, the Dodo, I say, was one of our last hopes of reprieve before we will be forced to slave in the furnaces of self-recrimination for eternity. Who, for example, has ever been terrified by the concept of bird walk? (This is a rhetorical question, of course.) In fact, if one carefully researches the etymology of that long-lived tradition, the board walk, one can easily see that this is, in fact, an example of the opposite case.
Therefore, people of the earth, it will do you well not to forget this hard-learned lesson. Waste not the penguin, the kiwi, and the emu, lest we be thrown into the darkness, forever cringing at the site of a shadowy wing, or thrown into feverish spasms at the agonizing touch of a feather-blown breeze.