The Umbrella Warrior

Umbrella Warrior (small)

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Then Edna, eyes gleaming as the twin lamp-stones of the great East Tower, drew Sleetbane from its cradle and fell upon the gathered host of undead with violent indignation. It is said that with each horrible grey head or arm severed, Dalsfveg’s hold upon his army faltered, until the remaining few made a vain retreat in the direction of the river bed.

Overcome with rage, Dalsfveg himself slew those that escaped the whirling circle of Sleetbane’s destruction, until he found himself alone upon the muddy field now choked with the remnants of his army. Edna’s scornful laugh found him then, clawing its way though his visions of conquest, rending them beyond repair. And with a nondescript flourish of her bloodied umbrella, Edna bade the Necromancer farewell, remarking on the unfortunate predisposition of his minions to end up in pieces, and voicing the hope that his next deadly army would prove of less shoddy workmanship.

–Excerpt from Tales of Edna Weatherspindle



So here’s this week’s Barefoot Kraken, regarding that all-important team-spirit building device, the mascot.

Now I realize that for some of you, this whole mascot fad may be a bit confusing, so I’ve done some research and developed a guide for anyone wanting to get in on it, as the kids say.

Uncle Nathan’s Guide to Mascots and the Creation Thereof

Step one: Pick an animal. For the least confusion, this should be either a cougar, eagle, or tiger. That way if you move from one school to another, there will be an 82% chance that you won’t have to buy new merchandise.

Step two: Draw your animal snarling in rage with claws extended, because nothing says team spirit like “I’m going to rip out your jugular and strangle you with it.”

Step three: If your animal lacks the appropriate features to instill a decent amount of fear while growling, you may opt for giving it huge biceps instead. Because it obviously works out. Even though it’s just a bird.

Step four: Take your muscle-bound, fang-baring mascot and create a costume that might possibly be the same animal, but could pass for a cuddly polar bear if need be. Then tell someone to put it on and dance around the court like a psychotic easter bunny. Because that’ll show the other team you mean business.

Rachel’s entry ›